Fatherhood and Friendship

The terrifying fact is, we can either grace our children or damn them with unrequited wounds that never seem to heal.

Today, few men have good friends, much less deep friendships.

Disciplines of a Godly Man, by R. Kent Hughes

Each of the two in turn…

Fatherhood

Hughes, in his seventies, writes:

I have mutually fulfilling relationships with all my children. They are independent of me, but they desire my company and counsel.

Wouldn’t we all consider this a blessing. Our children innately desire this from us, yet how many fathers crush this desire. Daughters who pathetically seek the affection that they never received from their fathers; sons, denied an example of healthy same-sex relationships, now living in confusion.

Fathers have such power, to make or break. Our attitude toward submission, toward women, with regard for God and His Church. Each of these both shape for and demonstrate to our children how to live and what to expect from others in their lives.

Men, there are few places where sanctified sweat will show greater dividends than in fathering.

Do not provoke them to anger; do bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Taking these one at a time: first, the “do nots”:

Criticism: constant criticism, or only criticism, breeds embittered children, children who lose heart.

Excessive strictness: too controlling, instead of a gentle but firm hold. For many Christians, especially evangelicals, a harsh over-strictness in their youth clouds their entire life. Save the “no” for the really important issues.

Irritability: allowing emotion to lead us toward punishment in anger.

Inconsistency: probably nothing is more exasperating to a child than this. Changing rules, hypocritical living by the father. How does the child learn anything about how to live?

Favoritism: perhaps the most damning sin. This doesn’t mean to treat all children alike; it just means one should not be favored over another.

Now, for the “do’s”:

Tenderness: speak to your children with gentleness and friendliness.

Discipline: training, even by punishment. Too often, fathers leave this to mothers. It is unfair to the mother, and robs the child of the self-esteem of being trained / punished by the father.

Instruction: verbal instruction and warning.

Most of all, just be there – be available for them, not just doing things for them. Be there at their plays, speeches, sporting events. Spend time alone with each child.

Friendship

In our society this takes much more effort than in times past. Neighborhoods, front porches, sharing chores, groups of children playing in the street. All occasions to spend time with other men, sharing lives and experiences. Today, we value our privacy (perhaps because our home is the last place in which we have some chance of having any).

Only about ten percent of men have any real friends. Men are not as relational as women; men’s friendships tend to revolve around activities, not sharing. Yet, our growth is worked out in relationship. Christ lived this way, in deep friendship with the twelve.

In some ways, to say that your wife is your best friend is a cop out. Yes, she is your most intimate friend, but to use her as a shield against developing true male friendship isn’t fair to her nor is it healthy for the man.

David and Jonathan are offered as an example from Scripture:

1 Samuel 18: 1 Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 2 Saul took him that day, and would not let him go home to his father’s house anymore. 3 Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. 4 And Jonathan took off the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, even to his sword and his bow and his belt.

Mutuality of soul – a common worldview – offers the basis for the best of male-friendship. From this follows love – a Christian love, where each cares deeply for the other – joys, pains, sorrows, victories. Then, commitment because Jonathan loved David as his own soul. Finally, loyalty and encouragement.

Male friendship has reached heaven when men make such promises to each other.

How to achieve such friendship:

Prayer: pray for a change in our inward capacities such that we are open to such a relationship.

Friendliness: being consciously cheerful; place ourselves in situations where friendship can happen.

Work: work at it, as friendships don’t grow or sustain themselves without real effort.

Affirmation: offer compliments and encouragement.

Listening: this goes a long way in all relationships.

Acceptance: not everything must be as I see it.

Conclusion

So many of the characteristics are applicable in all relationships, yet each is different: two become one only in marriage; discipline and training is most applicable as a father toward a child.

But regarding male friendship, perhaps what is most unique is the requirement to lose pride. Showing a softness toward another man offers risks that aren’t really there in these other relationships – and, over the millennia, those risks were potentially life or death.

In other words, male friendship may offer the biggest hurdles to overcome for any of us.